"Great Leader" Sports Nutrition Products

I just ran across a piece I wrote a few months before my RAW 2010 attempt.  Somehow my email address got out to the world of snake-oil merchants and I got so fed up I posted this, below, to a few cycling related discussion groups:

GREAT LEADER SPORTS NUTRITION PRODUCTS

"Expensive Urinite:" Improve your speed 300% while keeping your heart rate under 85 bpm. Scientifically formulated and tested at a secret underwater independent North Korean humility `Great Leader' sports lab. Trust us!  

Easy to swallow, non-chewable, tasty seaweed flavored powder dissolvable in simple yak milk. 16 oz irradiated `repurposed' nuclear centrifuge cannisters @ only $175 each. Money back guarantee if you live that long. 

"Swell Gel:" Dance up hills in happy bliss doing `silly circles' around your grunting competitors. All ingredients in Swell Gel have been personally and individually used by "WADA" scientists and carry their official ` thumbs up with a wink' photo. Unlike other sticky, gooey, gag-me-with-a-spoon gels Swell Gel is snorted by riders. No sticky white residue. 

"Secret Power Suppositories"  For the `daring' competitor, the one who isn't cowed by wussy WADA rules or spy camera crews. Enormous weiner sized slick suppository jam packed with EPO, epinephrine, testosterone, and a veritable plethora of fast acting 'roids. Nobody will know that when it looks like you're just scratching your crotch you're actually inserting a "Secret Power Suppository" up your keester.  

Guaranteed NOT to grow an inch of hair on your shoulders and arms by the end of a Stage.  

Be the first to finish, knowing that when you get off your bike and your knuckles are dragging at your feet you'll have a long night of bike groupies wanting to know you better.  

Amaze your friends when your voice drops from falsetto to alto.

And we promise not to insult your intelligence by selling for dollars what you could buy at your grocery store for pennies. Because WE KNOW you want one of our "GREAT LEADER" T-shirts to prove to your buds that you're one serious, baaaddddd-ass cyclist!