More on motivation ...

(I ride without music.  Part of it has to do with safety.  Part of it has to do with the fact that, after a while, it's like chewing dead chewing gum.  At least half my reason for no music is because I get a chance to think about things.) 

Yesterday, on an 8 hour ride, a few things came together for me about my own motivation. 

I entered three 24 hour races in the past 12 months and finished none of them.  If nothing else, I spent a lot of money traveling places just to DNF. 

I didn't feel the least bit `bad' about DNF'ing three big events in a row.  THAT is what really got me thinking about motivation.

Why did I put all that time and money into something that, when I DNF'd, it wasn't a problem?

On two of the 24 hour events my DNF was, what I consider, `legitimate.  That is I didn't have the physical resources to finish (another story).  However, this last February was different.  I stopped after 14 hours because `it wasn't worth it.' 

Not `worth' it?!

And no sense of disappointment in myself after DNF'ing?!

Here is where you, the reader, may want to stop reading.  Although this is about `motivation' it has to do with MY motivation.  Maybe generalizable to you.  Maybe not.

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Work in process.  That's how I consider myself these days. 

First, I've learned not to be so vulnerable to other's opinion of me or my actions.  We can call it  many things but `maturity' is probably the most accurate. 

Second, my own temperament.  We each have a `temperament' and psychological research suggests that there is a great deal of heritability to temperament.  I have a low tolerance for most people, despite my profession.  When younger I tended to try to change people.  Now, older and more mature, I realize that is disrespectful and pointless.

Finally, I am concerned about what only a very few people think of me or my actions.  (And, if their opinion of me is based on my cycling performance ... we've both made a mistake).

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Several years ago I gave an interview about why I was doing the Race Across the West - RAW (which I ultimately didn't finish).  The interviewer stated that it was a certainty that I would finish.  I corrected him, stating that "if I knew I could do it I wouldn't."  ?!!

RAW, to me, was an unanswered question.  Did I have it in me to finish?  I found out that I did not have sufficient training to finish.  The lesson was that Ultracycling is harder than I thought.  And if I wanted to be successful at it I would have to devote more time and resources to training.

I subsequently put in more time and devoted more resources to my training.  I completed a few events (including a 24 hour race) that had never been before on a recumbent. 

More important, however, I learned what it takes to successfully complete significant Ultracycling events. 

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The 24 hour event that I ended after 14 hours because it wasn't `worth it' confirmed to me what I said several years earlier: If I knew I could do it I wouldn't.  I knew that I could successfully complete the 24 hour event.  So I stopped when the `pain v. benefit' equation became apparent. 

Why, then, did I devote so much time and effort to the 24 hour event?

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So this is what I have learned about myself, so far. 

• My real motive for the race was `social.' 
• I wanted to meet the people I had communicated with for years but never `saw.' 
• I wanted to spend time with a few old friends I missed. 
• I wanted to see the 24 hour course that so many people had talked about. 

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What a surprise. 

Surprised because I recognized that the core source of motivation for me is consistent: Only a challenge that is mammoth, the outcome of which I am uncertain, is `worth it.'  ("If I knew I could do it I wouldn't.")

Surprised that I was interested in the people of the event.  A `social' appeal?!  This realization is counter to all the psychological defenses I have built to keep from being hurt by other's opinion of me.  It counters my `hermit' temperament. 

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So, what am I going to do differently, now that I have conscious awareness of the topography of my motivation?

Well, first, I'm going to admit that I am more social than I have allowed.  Deconstructing some defenses is scary, but `worth it.'

Then I'm going to be more careful about choosing cycling challenges.  It turns out that I live in a location that has no end to cycling challenges.  Is it `worth it' to me to attempt these challenges knowing that social approval and prestige are unlikely to be gained?   A `private' challenge.

Then there is, for me, the moral component of this.  Training for and spending money on events that I ultimately don't really care about has implications. 

An intense training plan means that I short-change family and friends.  When I'm training I'm absent. When I'm not training I'm tired and not much of a friend or husband. 

Money is not for free.  Without going into detail it is a moral `thing' for me to not `waste' money that other people deservedly need.  Hotels, gasoline and road food ... these are not socially appropriate uses of money.