A friend described an upcoming cycling event as an `A' event. It had been a while since I had ranked cycling activities in terms of priority and relative importance but his description seemed to fit. At least, and especially, given the emotional energy I had been experiencing as the event date had approached.
An `A' event is one where you focus your time, energy and other resources. And expectations. Doing well fades into the distance as your determination to demand all-out performance results sucks all the air out of the rest of your life. And that is where I am at the present. A sort of narrow minded focus.
I'm not good company. Haven't been for several days. Perhaps weeks. Edgy. A coiled intensity that makes me feel selfish. If not actually a little crazy.
I'm suspicious and critical of such an intensity over a `sport.' From serious to `grave.' The kind of trap I've seen many people fall into that has only a small relevance to reality. And it is a very dangerous thing. It leads us to behave, relate and take risks that are out of proportion to any benefit to be gained.
`The definition of a fanatic is that of a person who redoubles their effort after they lose all sight of the objective.'
So, in less than two hours I'll be sitting on a bicycle with the conscious intent of going batshit crazy for a few hours.
Why?
It strikes me as not much different from the mania and desperation you see in religious/political/military/sports people. All the normal, round and textured edges in a complex and nuanced life are hacked off leaving the semblance of a bloody stump. And that bloody stump is propelled forward knowing that it is damaged and has the likelihood of doing actual damage.
Well. I had better suit up and get ready for this well considered, deliberate destruction. I don't understand it. I disapprove of it. I'm blind to reservations about it. And I intend to exercise conscious violence to rationality for the next several hours.
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