Work, love and play

Freud.  One of the few things he got right.  Notice Freud didn't include `job.' 

How immensely fortunate I am to be able to have a life where I have the luxury of even considering these distinctions.  Succinctly, why am I not devoting my life to the poor and the desperate in the streets of Calcutta?!  Equally succinctly, I should be.  But I'm too selfish.  I'm not afraid.  Just selfish. 

But that's another story.

Now that I'm transitioning to being a `welfare queen,' living off savings and the largesse of other institutions I have the indecency to admit to my derision for `jobs.'  I needed the job to make the money. 

Oftentimes I was simply stealing some of the money I was being paid for the ostensible `labor.'  I'd be physically present but always with an eye on the clock.

But far more often I was putting into my work four or five times the `worth' than what I was being paid for.

No complaints.  I had choices. 

The years in the pokey taught me how to `generate' tons of money if and when I wanted to.  Could have boosted truck loads of the electronic crap that people buy to entertain themselves.  Could have been a shyster lawyer.  Could have been an investment banker.  Just chose against those options.  The money isn't worth it.

I guess I have a conscience.

I've done a lot of work in my life that I loved doing because it felt like play.  TRIPLE SLAM!!  

But I usually pissed somebody off doing it.  Viet Nam and draft resistance.  Union organizing.  Disassembling a viciously destructive `child care' organization.  I'd do them all again but better this time. 

I like work.  Jobs suck! 

I found myself taking jobs out of fear of not having the money to take care of things that money requires.  But in the last twenty or so years I've had wonderful work to do that, coincidentally, provided me with money.  A big `plus' sign on that end. 

It's hard for me to actually believe that there are really wonderful people in my life who actually love me ... but I believe it enough to accept it. 

I think I've been a self-absorbed over-focused jerk most of my life.  But my wife, sons and grandkids have forgiven me.  I think its because they know that I have sacrificed a lot in the `micro' for the interests of mankind in the `macro.'  I think its because they know I wasn't actually mean to them. 

As for love ... I'm short on showing it and long on getting it. More a sin of `omission' than a sin of `commission.'  A coward's way, actually.  I am trying to do better and I suspect I will.  But kind of late in the game to start paying attention to giving back what's been so often and long given to me. 

Pretty much a wuss when it comes to one on one intimacy.  People generally scare me.  And, like too many kids growing up where family discipline meant blood and teeth on the floor, my survival response was to `fight' instead of take `flight.'  "Ready!  FIRE!  Aim!"  Pretty indiscriminate.  Scares people back.  (Sounds like the psychological profile of a hermit.)

A shrink once told me that I was `counterphobic.'  That is, I would attack anything that scared me.  That works sometimes.  But there are A LOT of people and things out there that are so big and tough that they can squeeze and crunch me into a little wad of snot.  As I have too often discovered.

It was what it was.  And I'm still alive. 

And all the threads in life now seem to be winding round one another (in the near term) to create a decent prospect: `retirement.' 

I'll probably be a lot more sociable to people who fear/think I have just one speed: crude, conflictual and confrontational.  That's an easy one, frankly.  Should be pleasant surprise for them. 

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So why have I rattled on about all this stuff on a blog entitled `Training.'

That is where `work' enters the focus of this blog.  Given that work, love and play have always inhabited the same place in my life ... cycling is now going to be my work. 

My wife described me as having been `uber focused' all my life.  I have described myself as having an `Attention EXCESS Disorder.'  I'm really, really organized.  (Organizational ability can often be a great substitute for real intelligence.)  And when I believe something is worthwhile I'm really, really focused and disciplined.

I'm going to put all of that focus, energy, discipline and organizational talent into my cycling. 

Work.  Love.  Play.