What's the difference?

A while ago a wonderful bicycle shop entrepreneur and I had a conversation about `happiness.'  She's become happier of late because she and her husband have reduced family demands and now have more time for eachother.  And it showed: she glowed. 

She asked me if I were happy.  I didn't know.  Truly.  I've never known. 

There have been many, many times in my life when I've experienced joy and felt grateful for it.  But those experiences are - happily - transient. 

It's like having ice cream and cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Too much of `happy' dilutes things. 

Things?!

Yes.  `Things' like purpose. 

Purpose is more central to the experience of a meaningful existence to me than being happy. 

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So how, again, does this relate to bicycling?

I was out the door today at 6:30am and got back at 3:30am.  My neighbor saw me loading my bike on the car this morning.  As I was taking my bike off the car this afternoon he was returning from his job.  He gave me a sort of stunned quizzical look, like: "Have you been on the bike for 9 hours?"

Not on the bike for the whole 9 hours, no.  But I was all about the bike for 9 hours.  Over the course of an 82 mile 8,800 feet of climbing training ride I stopped several times to dial in the bike in preparation for a 24 hour time trial on dead flat terrain.  I needed to adjust the recline of the seat to gain the most aero position.  And then I needed to adjust the stem and handlebars so that they were comfortably within reach.  I must have made a dozen adjustments on the fly to dial things in.  It was very, very interesting.  I felt that I had made great progress.  And that is meaningful.

It felt good to be so productively engaged in this work of improving my skill and capacity as a cyclist.  In fact, it felt very much like my past work life as a clinical psychologist.  Or my past work life as a labor relations professional.  Or my past work life as the owner of an insurance brokerage agency.  I was working at something that had genuine meaning, was a big challenge, and required patience, persistence and significant sacrifice.

So, what is the difference between `now' and `then?' 

For one thing I have to carry this albatross of being what other people call `retired.'  It's a category, or pigeon-hole, into which many of us are swept.  Or, sadly, a pigeon-hole into which many of us sink into, not knowing how to initiate our own life. 

Am I `better' at cycling than I was 30 - 40 years ago?  Worse?  Is it due to age?  Is it due to more investment in training? 

I am better at cycling now.  Because I'm focused on it. 

I was better as a clinical psychologist then than before I was a clinical psychologist.  Because I was focused on it then. 

Same with the other work that I've done in my life. 

Actually, the statement that replaces the rhetorical question of `What is the difference?' is that there is no difference now.  I'm still putting intense energy and time into something important, rewarding and meaningful to me.  Purpose. 

So ... I'm `happy' to have not labeled myself as this or that.  I'm the same: focused, persistant and dedicated.