"Expensive
Urinite:" Improve your
speed 300% while keeping your heart rate under 85 bpm. Scientifically
formulated and tested at a secret underwater independent North Korean humility
`Great Leader' sports lab. Trust us!
Easy to
swallow, non-chewable, tasty seaweed flavored powder dissolvable in simple yak
milk. 16 oz irradiated `repurposed' nuclear centrifuge canisters @ only $175
each. Money back guarantee if you live that long.
"Swell
Gel:" Dance up
hills in happy bliss doing `silly circles' around your grunting
competitors. All ingredients in Swell Gel have been personally and individually
used by "WADA" scientists and carry their official ` thumbs up with a
wink' photo. Unlike other sticky, gooey, gag-me-with-a-spoon gels Swell Gel is
snorted by riders. No sticky white residue.
"Secret
Power Suppositories" For the
`daring' competitor, the one who isn't cowed by wussy WADA rules or spy camera
crews. Enormous wiener sized slick suppository jam packed with EPO,
epinephrine, testosterone, and a veritable plethora of fast acting 'roids.
Nobody will know that when it looks like you're just scratching your
crotch you're actually inserting a "Secret Power Suppository" up your
keester.
Guaranteed NOT
to grow an inch of hair on your shoulders and arms by the end of a
Stage.
Be the first to
finish, knowing that when you get off your bike and your knuckles are dragging
at your feet you'll have a long night of bike groupies wanting to know you
better.
Amaze your friends
when your voice drops from falsetto to alto.
And we promise
not to insult your intelligence by selling for dollars what you could buy at
your grocery store for pennies. Because WE KNOW you want one of our "GREAT
LEADER" T-shirts to prove to your buds that you're one serious,
baaaddddd-ass cyclist!
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