Compared to What?

Perhaps the most consequential experience in my entire life was when I flunked my freshman year at St. Joseph's Academy for Boys in Westchester, Illinois.  I didn't pass one course.  Did no homework. Participated in no misbehavior.  I just showed up every day and ... read about the Holocaust and World War II.  Pictures.  Historical accounts.  Biographies and autobiographies.  

I simply could not accept that it happened.  

The Christian Brothers sent my parents a note in July of that year informing them that I would not be accepted back.  

So I started again as a freshman at Proviso East High School in September of 1961. Did high school on the `five year' plan.  Again, no misbehavior. Got passing grades and graduated in the bottom quarter of my class four years later.  

I still have no way to understand or conceive of the factory inspired murder of millions of people.  The families.  The energetic willingness of individuals eviscerating entire families, neighborhoods, towns and nations.  

This confusing awareness of the holocaust determined a life of consistent decisions to not participate, directly or indirectly, in violence, murder, war.  

I am now in my eighth decade, looking back.  Accepting and prizing my imperfections.  Quietly aware of my many failings.  In fact, having made a profession of embracing imperfection and a faith in stepping into the unknown.  

Compared to what?  Compared to what!!  

Today I learned that I will not have to have surgery to repair torn muscle and ligament in my leg.  I feel a literal `burden' of relief and ecstacy.  

And a guilt, if not actual `shame,' at the fact that I am happy about dodging this minor adversity.  Guilt when I compare my gentle life to the tragedy of others in enormous poverty, neglect, terror and violence.  I did nothing to deserve my good fortune.  An accident of birth.  And others have done nothing to deserve their misery and hopelessness.  

I'm still confused.  Palpable sense of helplessness.