Denial and aging...

This is a hard one. 

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/31/opinion/31jacoby.html?hp

Few things scare us more than being trapped with no hope of getting out. 

Choosing to be a psychologist is the natural result of a tendency to make my mind go places that are typically too frightening.  Trying to take the `sting' out of our darkest fears.  We use the term `functional denial' to describe the process of `just not thinking about' things we can't change but are likely to be unpleasant. 

I often wonder about why I spend so much time in solitary cycling.  Am I pursuing something?  Or am I fleeing something?  It is both.  But what a difference!

I love to challenge myself to do something beyond hard.  So that I can then take private or public credit for exceptional accomplishment.  I feel good about myself and gain a temporary sense of hope. 

But I also need frequent confirmation that I'm successfully escaping calamity or failure.  Fleeing powerlessness and, in my case,  the sense of `shame' that accompanies just being `still.'  The everpresent `ghost' in the shadows. 

On a professional level I `can relate' to that fear and suffering in others.  It helps me to help others.  Sort of selfish, isn't it. 

On a personal level I'm really critical of myself and others.  I tend to not be `good company' for an extended period of time. 

I'm not afraid of oblivion.  Which is what I perceive as being dead. 

I'm terrified of being trapped in a painful body while being clear headed and conscious of the inevitable worsening until death.  And anything or anybody causing me to be exposed to my decline ... I struggle with. 

Very contradictory.  Hard to think about for long.  And maybe the long hours of `zoning' while cycling keep me adequately distracted.  An addiction?  A dependency?