GREAT LEADER SPORTS PERFORMANCE AIDS

Two things combined to bring this little story back to mind. First, we're getting all manic again about RAAM this time of year. Second, I just got the Hammer Products catalog again, exceeding the last issue's `bloviation' factor by multiples.

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“Expensive Urinite.”

Improve your speed 300% while keeping your heart rate under 85 bpm. Scientifically formulated and tested at a secret underwater independent North Korean humility `Great Leader' sports lab. Trust us! Easy to swallow, non-chewable, tasty seaweed flavored powder dissolvable in simple yak milk. 16 oz irradiated `repurposed' nuclear centrifuge cannisters @ only $175 each. Money back guarantee (if you live that long).


"Swell Gel."

Dance up hills in happy bliss doing `silly circles' around your grunting competitors. All ingredients in Swell Gel have been personally and individually used by "WADA" scientists and carry their official ` thumbs up with a wink' photo. Unlike other sticky, gooey, gag-me-with-a-spoon gels Swell Gel is snorted by riders. No sticky white residue.


"Secret Power Suppositories."

For the `daring' competitor, the one who isn't cowed by wussy WADA rules or spy camera crews. Enormous wiener sized slick suppository jam packed with EPO, epinephrine, testosterone, and a veritable plethora of fast acting 'roids. Nobody will know that when it looks like you're just scratching your crotch you're actually inserting a "Secret Power Suppository" up your keester. Guaranteed NOT to grow an inch of hair on your shoulders and arms by the end of a Stage. Be the first to finish, knowing that when you get off your bike and your knuckles are dragging at your feet you'll have a long night of bike groupies wanting to know you better. AND amaze your friends when your voice drops from falsetto to alto.


And we promise not to insult your intelligence by selling for dollars what you could buy at your grocery store for pennies. Because WE KNOW you want one of our "GREAT LEADER" T-shirts to prove to your buds that you're one serious, baaaddddd-a** cyclist!

The `bird'

Slow learner. Or, avid contestant for the Darwin Award.

Motorcyclists (those that survive) love the roads around here. More road shrines testifying to terrestrial ineptitude than overnight shootouts in my old Chicago `hood.'

Since I've been riding these roads this past year I've had two distinctly different experiences with this same species, i.e., motorcycle-istas.

1) As they'd pass me from behind they'd display a raised hand with the two end fingers raised. As they'd approach me they'd extend their left hand and point to me. ??

2) When I'd stop amongst them for one reason or another they'd ALWAYS be cheerful, respectful and complimentary.

Today I rode about 75 miles (and 5,100 feet of climbing). It can be really desolate and gorgeous with the wide open vistas and glass smooth roads.

I came to the turnaround point, overlooking Yarnell Grade on the RAAM route. Using a wide parking area near a truly gritty AZ ghost town slop joint I encountered no fewer than 30 `bikers' in all their muscle metal and leather. My head was so full of `impressions' (freak show, dung beetle convention, pre-nursing home send off, road shrine organizing committee, bail fund party).

As I slowly wound my way through them to the exit back onto the road one of the guys says: "Hey, Dude! Where are your racing leathers?!"

I come from stock that if they can't start a fight will wait around as long as it takes for time and circumstance to create one. So, I stop.

There I am. In my day glo lycra. Sitting on my Ti Aero. Compression socks qua knickers. Camelback hose looking more like an IV drip.

I frog-leg it over to the trog who made the comment. Not having immediate recall of my compendia of James Lee Burke metaphors and simile and coughed: "I got somethin' you don't got!" Like a scene from West Side Story `trog' looks at me like I'm a gnat, nods in both directions to his droogs, steps toward me, smiling from behind facial burr, and says: "Like what!"

Me: "Medicare."

Big smile :)

The friendliest, warmest bunch of folks I've met in a very, very long time.

After some friendly chatting and signifying ("Why you ridin' a paper clip?" "What's that tube coming from your pants? You lose your `connection'?") I went my way, down a screaming 6 mile descent to Kirkland Junction.

As I'm tucked and aero on one particular descent, rolling a hefty 45 mph into shockingly sissified crosswinds, I look into my Zephy Spy Eyes and see row after row of motorcycle headlights tailing steadily about 50 feet behind me. Like I'm some kind of parade leader.

We get to the flats, I stear to the right a bit and they all pass me, two by two. As they pass they all raise their right hand, extending the far fingers.

I'm wonderin', "Should I restrain myself from flippin' them the bird, like I always do?" Or, "should I do the same and ignore my west side Chicago roots that tell me that the `far finger salute' means `bull****.'"

Later, climbing back up the mountain into Prescott several of them are parked on outcrops in the road looking at the breathtaking vista of the Prescott National Forest. We're all old friends now, waving and hooting at eachother as I pass them.

Good day on the bike.

Snatches ...

Day of differences.  Maybe even contrasts. 

• Did my 2nd fastest training run today from Prescott to Wilhoit and back.  34 miles and 4200 feet of climbing; several Cat 4 climbs.  2:59:25. 
• A good riding mate, Russ, passed me climbing up from Wilhoit and slowed down to chat a bit.  Russ led me up from Prescott to Flagstaff a few years ago.  When I got there I was totally fried.  Russ, gave me a big smile, wished me well and took off back down to Prescott.  He rode on the treacherous switchbacks, climbing up from Clarkdale and Jerome to the top of Mingus Mtn and down into Prescott Valley, arriving home by 9pm ... in the dark!  Incredible athlete. 
• Later in the afternoon I happened to be in a shopping mall where the parking lot was taken over by an `old car' show.  Dozens of `classic' cars, reconditioned by their owners.  Frankly, it was grimly sad.  All these old 60+ guys sitting in lawn chairs in front of their $30K cars in shorts with t-shirts saying `Question Authority.'  Pot bellies.  Old '50's and '60's music blaring.  They looked to be desperate for attention and adulation.  The ugly, casual excess of it all. 
• I drive to the town center where there are a few dozen old guys on motorcycles, in their leather, fringe, rip-rapping noise.  They all look like dirtied up faux-dangerous old farts.  One guy had a vest that said 'Insane Outlaws' on the back.  Sloppy moustache, headbands, tattoos.  Desperate to be seen as `desperados' on bikes.  I couldn't help imagining seeing that guy with the `Insane Outlaw' vest in 10 years in a wheelchair, diaper wet and soiled, with a t-shirt saying: 'Cranky Noncompliant.'

For RAAM and RAW racers and crew

The mountains start in Congress and continue on and on.

Though I haven't done an analysis I would guess that exhaustion and rookie status takes out most riders before Durango.

Racers would do well to learn how to pace themselves when they reach Congress. The stretch to Flagstaff is just ... plain ... UP.

I'm including links to the Garmin data on some rides (not races) I've done between Congress and Flagstaff. Worth studying.

Congress to the top of Yarnell (Yarnell Grade) isn't steep but it is the first persistently long climb. Good pavement, nothing more than 7%.

http://connect.garmin.com/activity/161958434

Skull Valley to the summit just before descending into Prescott will test a racer's capacity for patience and strategic climbing. The first 6.45 miles is bad road, tarred cracks. There is no shoulder, just dangerous drop-offs from pavement to dirt and rocks. But the grade is gentle, mostly 2 - 5%.

When the racer crosses the cattle guard and enters the Prescott National Forest the road becomes ideal, with wide and safe shoulders. But the grade to MM 5 (6.5 more miles) becomes much more demanding and consistently steep (6 - 10%). It just grinds on.

http://connect.garmin.com/activity/175962998

From Prescott to Flagstaff the racer will encounter 91 miles of everything climate and terrain can throw at a racer. Long smooth flats, narrow roads with steep switchbacks, steep descents (Jerome to Clarkdale), and the grim climb up from Sedona to Flagstaff. (Tip for recumbent racers: climbing on switchback filled roads for dozens of miles I've found that `tilting' my handlebar up a bit makes maneuvering easier. Avoiding potholes and sand may require quick steering changes; inevitable `wobbling' on steeper sections ... it helps to not have to deal with the bar ends hitting your legs)

http://connect.garmin.com/activity/27857918

The `West'

Seeing all the news about Sebring, BC24, and, now, Calvin's has made me miss being more centrally located, i.e., in the midwest. 

I've never `done' Sebring but would like to.  I've `done' Calvin's a few times.  And drove four days and spent way too much $$ to recently have done BC24. 

In central AZ there are many, many incredible competitive cycling events within a 6 hour drive. 

And nearby southern CA is a mecca for cycling. 

Reorienting myself to new events out here is a bit disorienting.  Especially when my participation in some events is that of `the recumbent.' 

So, as with life in general, one is either passive or active.  Take what is/isn't there.  Or make it happen. 

Action defines us. 

Taking what is `here':

• May 26: Borrego Springs Double Century, (http://www.mtnhighcycling.com/).  14,900 ft of climbing.  Incredible event.  (5 hr drive)
• June 2: 300km Brevet (AZ Randonneurs) from Flagstaff to the Grand Canyon and back.  (2 hr drive)
• July 21: Desperado Dual (200 miles), in Panguitch, Utah, (http://www.spingeeks.com/events/desperado-dual/).  (6 hr drive)
• Sep 15: Skull Valley Loop Challenge in Prescott.  54 miles, 5,400 ft of climbing.  (in town)
• Oct 13: Cochise Classic (234 miles), out of Sierra Vista, AZ, through and around the Chiracahua Mtns (http://www1.perimeterbicycling.com/cochise-cycling-classic/).  (4 hr drive)
• Nov 2: World 6-12-24 Hr Time Trials (http://24hrworlds.com/24/index.php?N_webcat_id=360), Indio, CA.  (5 hr drive)

Making events `here':

• UMCA Time/Distance course.  Using AZ highway 60 from Aguila to Salome and back (RAAM route).  20 mile section to be measured, sanctioned and certified by USATF and UMCA
• Toyota Arizona Proving Ground.  45 miles west of Phx.  10 mile oval.  Perfect venue for Time/Distance competition.

So, `taking' and `making' challenging cycling events right here in my back yard. 

I'm a `junkie' ...

I was off the bike traveling for about 10 days.  `Me' without the bike for ten days ... is not a pretty site.  I was tense, withdrawn, quiet and very, very controlled. 

To ease back into cycling I took the bike out for a 15 miler (1890 feet of climbing).  Out and back. 

On the way back I found myself so much more calm; breathing much more deeply.  So much less tense. 

Wondering (almost) aloud I concluded that I have an addiction to the expression and release that cycling gives me.  I'm a `junkie.'