GREAT LEADER SPORTS PERFORMANCE AIDS

Two things combined to bring this little story back to mind. First, we're getting all manic again about RAAM this time of year. Second, I just got the Hammer Products catalog again, exceeding the last issue's `bloviation' factor by multiples.

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“Expensive Urinite.”

Improve your speed 300% while keeping your heart rate under 85 bpm. Scientifically formulated and tested at a secret underwater independent North Korean humility `Great Leader' sports lab. Trust us! Easy to swallow, non-chewable, tasty seaweed flavored powder dissolvable in simple yak milk. 16 oz irradiated `repurposed' nuclear centrifuge cannisters @ only $175 each. Money back guarantee (if you live that long).


"Swell Gel."

Dance up hills in happy bliss doing `silly circles' around your grunting competitors. All ingredients in Swell Gel have been personally and individually used by "WADA" scientists and carry their official ` thumbs up with a wink' photo. Unlike other sticky, gooey, gag-me-with-a-spoon gels Swell Gel is snorted by riders. No sticky white residue.


"Secret Power Suppositories."

For the `daring' competitor, the one who isn't cowed by wussy WADA rules or spy camera crews. Enormous wiener sized slick suppository jam packed with EPO, epinephrine, testosterone, and a veritable plethora of fast acting 'roids. Nobody will know that when it looks like you're just scratching your crotch you're actually inserting a "Secret Power Suppository" up your keester. Guaranteed NOT to grow an inch of hair on your shoulders and arms by the end of a Stage. Be the first to finish, knowing that when you get off your bike and your knuckles are dragging at your feet you'll have a long night of bike groupies wanting to know you better. AND amaze your friends when your voice drops from falsetto to alto.


And we promise not to insult your intelligence by selling for dollars what you could buy at your grocery store for pennies. Because WE KNOW you want one of our "GREAT LEADER" T-shirts to prove to your buds that you're one serious, baaaddddd-a** cyclist!